It's so dry my duck doesn't know how to swim.
It's been dry so long, we only got a quarter inch of rain durin Noahs flood.
He'd have to stand up to look a rattler in the eye.
He has enough money to burn a wet dog.
Her hair looks like ah cats been suckin' on it.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
He could sit on a fence and da birds would feed him.
He's meaner than a junkyard dog.
A worm is the only animal that can't fall down.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
Just ah goin and ah blowin lak ah herdaturtles in ah cloudadust.
So sick he needs two beds.
If a trip 'round the world cost a dollar I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
More people than you can shake a stick at.
He'll squeeze a nickel 'till the buffalo screams.
Tighter than a power line after a blue norther.
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly.
Busy as a one-arm paper hanger.
He got whooped with an ugly stick.
He invented ugly.
That ugly the whole tree must have fell on him.
Lower than a snake's belly.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
He can strut sittin' down.
Faster than a duck on a June bug.
I was born tired and since suffered a relapse.
Confused like a baby in a topless joint.
Anytime you happen to pass my house - I'd appreciate it.
If you cut your own firewood it'll warm you twice.
He's happier than a rooster in a hen house.
She's thin as a bar of soap after a hard day's washin.
We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.
I'm so broke I can't pay attention.
As bad off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
He's dumber than a box full of hammers.
Confused as a cow on astroturf.
We've howdied but we haven't shook.
He cleans up real good.
This ain't my first rodeo.
He fell down quicker than a two-legged dog on peyote.
Just cause you put a boot in the oven don't mean it's a biscuit.
Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep."
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree. Same goes for a Bois d'Arc tree.
Pecan is pronounced "puhcon."
Yankees call them "pee-cans".
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle.
They do get stuck.
Texas has 6 seasons:
Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98
Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100
to 115 degrees)
Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98
Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
The wind blows at 90 MPH (THIS IS EXCESSIVE) from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally. (This does not apply to West Texas where the wind never stops)
"Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic and they multiply even faster than rabbits.
Coldbeer is one word.
"Great big" and "Little Biddy" are the only sizes in Texas.
People actually grow and eat Okra -- and what's more, they like it.
Texans really don't have an accent -- it's the rest of the world that talks funny.
When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
Green grass DOES burn, as does your skin if you don't run fast enough to the next shade tree.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night. Cats come and go as they please and they keep the snakes at bay.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks. After that, you don't even notice them anymore.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation and is drinkable to most of the livestock. The Fish and Game Dept. will help you stock them and then they make good fishin' and swimmin' holes, too.
"Bakards and Forards" means I know everything about a subject or the way to go if you're giving directions.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. Then you get up the next morning before it's light enough to see, and start over.
"Fix-n-to" is one word - - and probably one of the most used words in the true Texan's vocabulary.
"Over Yonder" is a direction and not a distance. Yankees have no concept of yonder.
Y'all is plural! Only people trying to be Texan use it as a singular.
All true Texans have had their pictures taken in a field of bluebonnets at least onced.