Here's Elvis!

This is most likely from Jeff Foxworthy


*************


You Might Be A Redneck If ...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You've ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree does not fork.

14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

25. You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

30. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...they're a redneck too!)

35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

38. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

39. You've been too drunk to fish.

40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

45. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

46. You've ever financed a tattoo.

47. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

48. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

55. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

56. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

57. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

58. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

59. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

60. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

61. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

62. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

63. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...

64. Redman sends you a Christmas card.

65. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

66. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

67. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

68. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

69. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

70. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

71. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

72. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

73. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

74. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

75. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

76. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

77. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

78. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

79. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

80. You mow your lawn and find a car.

81. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

82. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

83. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

84. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

85. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

86. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

87. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

88. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

89. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

90. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

91. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

92. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"

93. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

94. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

95. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

96. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

97. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

98. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

99. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

100. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

101. You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

102. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

103. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

104. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

105. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

106. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

108. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

109. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

110. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

111. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

112. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

113. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

114. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

115. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'

116. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

117. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

118. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

119. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

120. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

121. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

122. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.

123. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.

124. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

125. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

126. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

127. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!).

128. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

129. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

130. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

131. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

132. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

133. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

134. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

135. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

136. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

137. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

138. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

139. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)

140. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

141. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

142. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

143. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

144. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

145. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

146. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

147. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

148. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

149. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

150. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

151. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

152. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

153. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".

154. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

155. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

156. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

157. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

158. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

159. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

160. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

161. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

162. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

163. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

164. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

165. You bring your dog to work with you.

166. If your richest relative buys a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it, you might be a redneck.

167. If you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre...

168. If you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off...

169. If you've ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass...

170. If you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley...

171. If your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department..

172. If the highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut

173. If you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

174. If you think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida...

175. If there is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home...

176. If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment..

177. If your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand...

178. If your bicycle has a gun rack...

179. If you prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them

180. If you go to a stock car race and don't need a program...

181. If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle...

182. If your junior-senior prom had a day-care center...

183. If less than half the cars you own run...

184. If you grow your sideburns longer & fuller because it looks so good on your sister...

185. If your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

186. If the primary color of your car is "Bond-O"...

187. If your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses...

188. If You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom...

189. If your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick...

190. If you are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

191. If you own a denim leisure suit.

192. If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"...

193. If the UFO Hotline limits you to one call per day...

194. If you know how many bales of hay your car can hold...

195. If you've ever used a Weed Eater indoors.

196. If you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures...

197. If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain...

198. If the kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps...

199. If your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices...

200. If you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot...

201. If you made a homemade hot-tub with a trolling motor...

202. If you use your mailbox to hold up one end of your clothesline...

203. If you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much...

204. If you owe a taxidermist more than your annual income...

205. If during your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off...

206. If you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle...

207. If hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estimate...

208. If you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover...

209. If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people...

210. If you have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong...

211. If you didn't put the pink plastic flamingoes in your front yard as a joke.

212. If the manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it's time to wash your hair...

213. If everybody you meet can tell you what kind of underwear your wearing...

214. If your family tree does not fork...

215. If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan...

216. If you see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car...

217. If you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

218. If you have a rag for a gas cap...

219. If you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.

220. If a man lights your cigarette and your show him your bra...

221. If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging...

222. If the crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been for more than a year...

223. If you show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm...

224. If you have to dress the kids up to go to K-Mart...

225. If you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window...

226. If You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital...

227. If Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup...

228. If your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event...

229. If your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read...

230. If you've ever had to turn your pick-up truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions...

231. If you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill...

232. If you are famous for your homemade squash wine...

233. If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."

234. If you have to recrank your car at every intersection...

235. If the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights...

236. If you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet hanging out the car window...

237. If you ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic...

238. If you view duct tape as a long-term investment...

239. If you regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying"...

240. If your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on the side of the highway...

241. If your brother-in-law is also your uncle...

242. If you grow corn in your front yard...

243. If you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions...

244. If you bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work...

245. If Red Man Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card...

246. If every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck...

247. If you've ever hit a jukebox with a cue stick...

248. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade...

249. If you've ever taken a beer to a job interview...

250. If you've ever stolen a bulldozer...



Here's Elvis!